I have 6 .. thats right SIX drafts right now… just sitting there. UGH. I didn’t know writing would be so hard. Over a dozen years ago I could write any one a hand written letter… seven pages long without even thinking of it. I would have this journal with me.. well multiple journals with me… and I would write and sketch and write and sketch and write like it was the last words I would ever say. I use to have a Live Journal and a My Space that I would cling to …. omg I think I even have a Dead Journal out there in the universe. I don’t remember any of the names… or the names but the emails they were married to no longer exist. I can’t wait to figure that out one day. I will laugh so hard when I see whatever it was that I was going through that I THOUGHT I couldn’t. Late teenage/early adult angst…. the best right????haha.
Angst is a funny thing that sticks to you like glue. The definition of angst is “a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general.” When you grow up with angst you don’t seem to quite get over it like you get over other things. You can get over jealousy and you can even get over love; most of the time it isn’t true love. You can get over being angry or being sad, but to get over angst is to get over an entire mental process. When you surround yourself with angst at a young age it becomes a mindset, it becomes your entire view into your adult life. Perhaps you really do suffer from anxiety so you have it going in to your adult life, you dread going to school and therefore you learn to dread going to work. You are upset over the human conditioning in the world and that again leads to your general disposition of your adult life leading into the rest of your life. Think about it. ….
A generation of kids growing up with Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, The Smashing Pumpkins, Bush, Marilyn Manson, KORN, Rage Against The Machine, etc. becoming parents. Think about it, really, think about it.
So in all of my drafts that I kind of see as a waste of momentum that I had only for a few moments, I am really trying to sit down with my thoughts. Nathaniel Ratliff is on in the background and it will be followed by Ben Howard. Yesterday we had a great listening session of Thelonious Monk and Miles Davis, and earlier today I was listening to … you guessed it.. Today by The Smashing Pumpkins. My 8.75 year old; hes close to being 9 and reminds me how close he is; loves that song. I was listening to Pink Floyd earlier this week and I also jammed out to Outkast. My musical taste is all complete feeling. I never listen to anything that doesnt move me. Sometimes I love to dance, I mean just love to dance around my house completely unaware of anyone that lives with me and sing my heart out while I shimmy around. Other times I want to sit with some deep heartfelt music that just touches my soul, and perhaps I need to call my parents so if I throw on some Carol King or Jethro Tull it will make our conversations a little more meaningful. Every once in a while I want to just throw my husband through a loop and I will throw on some Stevie Wonder and LifeHouse and anything that I can slow dance with him to in our kitchen.. ya know….. just because I want intimacy without sex. I love holding someone close to me and a spontaneous commitment of body touching for 4-10 mintes. MEN listen up… your woman; or man or whomever you are with; wants you to pull her close and do something a little silly, a little intimate, and something that will make her grin when she remembers it. Ya’ll have no idea what grabbing a woman by her waist to her favorite song and dancing with her will do, something that is so underrated in a sexualized generation. I feel like men have lost their intimacy while women have gained theirs. This isn’t because of our born sex, or because of any political naming, this is just my opinion. Maybe you could get laid more if you empowered your partner you know? Men see empowerment as their strength when it comes to sex but you know that a woman leads in the bedroom? I mean sure you could pump and dump one right in, but in all honesty, it is her that can make sex into love making. And of course if you are two men, two women, two … human beings of whatever you claim your nature to be.. this applies to you as well. Remember that the better your partner feels about themselves the more open they can be with what they want and I think that we have lost that in a generation that is full of angst. We are filled with too much inside of ourselves from our past to really explore what is the truth of our nature. I know this blog has gone a bit 180 but its how my mind works.
My last note is to remind you of something:
Life is really short and a lot of people have a lot of shit going on. So keep thinking of yourself. We are often told about how tougher it is to be someone else so it musst be a sham how we feel… but its not. how you feel is how you feel and i am really starting to get pissed every time I HAVE to play some pissing contest of WHO HAS IT WORSE? Its not a competition. ALSO FUUUUUUUCK LET ME SAY THIS…
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change <—fuck you keep trying to change it all the fucking time
The courage to change the things I can<—-YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD you need the courage to CHANGE EVERY SINGLE THING YOU WANT AND IVE GOT YOUR BACK
and the wisdom to know the difference<—-YOU ARE THE BEAST TO CHANGE ALL THE THINGS IN THE WORLD. EVERY VOICE MATTERS. YOU DON’T NEED WISDOM, WISDOM COMES FROM AGE AND YOU JUST GO WITH YOUR GUT AND MAKE A DAMN DIFFERENCE EVERY WHERE YOU GO!