Category: resolution

How LONG DO I STARE AT THE SCREEN!?

I have 6 .. thats right SIX drafts right now… just sitting there. UGH. I didn’t know writing would be so hard. Over a dozen years ago I could write any one a hand written letter… seven pages long without even thinking of it. I would have this journal with me.. well multiple journals with me… and I would write and sketch and write and sketch and write like it was the last words I would ever say. I use to have a Live Journal and a My Space that I would cling to …. omg I think I even have a Dead Journal out there in the universe. I don’t remember any of the names… or the names but the emails they were married to no longer exist. I can’t wait to figure that out one day. I will laugh so hard when I see whatever it was that I was going through that I THOUGHT I couldn’t. Late teenage/early adult angst…. the best right????haha.
Angst is a funny thing that sticks to you like glue.  The definition of angst is “a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general.”  When you grow up with angst you don’t seem to quite get over it like you get over other things. You can get over jealousy and you can even get over love; most of the time it isn’t true love. You can get over being angry or being sad, but to get over angst is to get over an entire mental process. When you surround yourself with angst at a young age it becomes a mindset, it becomes your entire view into your adult life. Perhaps you really do suffer from anxiety so you have it going in to your adult life, you dread going to school and therefore you learn to dread going to work. You are upset over the human conditioning in the world and that again leads to your general disposition of your adult life leading into the rest of your life. Think about it. ….
A generation of kids growing up with Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, The Smashing Pumpkins, Bush, Marilyn Manson, KORN, Rage Against The Machine, etc. becoming parents. Think about it, really, think about it.


So in all of my drafts that I kind of see as a waste of momentum that I had only for a few moments, I am really trying to sit down with my thoughts. Nathaniel Ratliff is on in the background and it will be followed by Ben Howard. Yesterday we had a great listening session of Thelonious Monk and Miles Davis, and earlier today I was listening to … you guessed it.. Today by The Smashing Pumpkins. My 8.75 year old; hes close to being 9 and reminds me how close he is; loves that song. I was listening to Pink Floyd earlier this week and I also jammed out to Outkast. My musical taste is all complete feeling. I never listen to anything that doesnt move me. Sometimes I love to dance, I mean just love to dance around my house completely unaware of anyone that lives with me and sing my heart out while I shimmy around. Other times I want to sit with some deep heartfelt music that just touches my soul, and perhaps I need to call my parents so if I throw on some Carol King or Jethro Tull it will make our conversations a little more meaningful. Every once in a while I want to just throw my husband through a loop and I will throw on some Stevie Wonder and LifeHouse and anything that I can slow dance with him to in our kitchen.. ya know….. just because I want intimacy without sex.  I love holding someone close to me and a spontaneous commitment of body touching for 4-10 mintes. MEN listen up… your woman; or man or whomever you are with; wants you to pull her close and do something a little silly, a little intimate, and something that will make her grin when she remembers it. Ya’ll have no idea what grabbing a woman by her waist to her favorite song and dancing with her will do, something that is so underrated in a sexualized generation. I feel like men have lost their intimacy while women have gained theirs. This isn’t because of our born sex, or because of any political naming, this is just my opinion.  Maybe you could get laid more if you empowered your partner you know? Men see empowerment as their strength when it comes to sex but you know that a woman leads in the bedroom? I mean sure you could pump and dump one right in, but in all honesty, it is her that can make sex into love making. And of course if you are two men, two women, two … human beings of whatever you claim your nature to be.. this applies to you as well. Remember that the better your partner feels about themselves the more open they can be with what they want and I think that we have lost that in a generation that is full of angst.  We are filled with too much inside of ourselves from our past to really explore what is the truth of our nature. I know this blog has gone a bit 180 but its how my mind works.


My last note is to remind you of something:
Life is really short and a lot of people have a lot of shit going on. So keep thinking of yourself. We are often told about how tougher it is to be someone else so it musst be a sham how we feel… but its not. how you feel is how you feel and i am really starting to get pissed every time I HAVE to play some pissing contest of WHO HAS IT WORSE? Its not a competition. ALSO FUUUUUUUCK LET ME SAY THIS…

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change  <—fuck you keep trying to change it all the fucking time

The courage to change the things I can<—-YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD you need the courage to CHANGE EVERY SINGLE THING YOU WANT AND IVE GOT YOUR BACK

and the wisdom to know the difference<—-YOU ARE THE BEAST TO CHANGE ALL THE THINGS IN THE WORLD. EVERY VOICE MATTERS. YOU DON’T NEED WISDOM, WISDOM COMES FROM AGE AND YOU JUST GO WITH YOUR GUT AND MAKE A DAMN DIFFERENCE EVERY WHERE YOU GO!

 

Much love.

Miles

 

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You are my aisle

I am not on any side of any aisle. I am not on your side or their side, I am not red nor blue nor green, I am not fitting in some kind of box or check marked for a certain way. I believe in compromise and understanding even if I disagree. I believe that all voices matter, except ones that trigger pure hate. I am not talking about the kind of hate where you get really angry and then walk away going about your day okay? I am talking about the kind of hate speech that makes someone do an act of violence. That kind of hate has no place in my brain or in my heart. I am open to listening to any conservative, republican, liberal, independent, democratic, or a simpleton view. I am curious in to why you think the way you do, what kind of pedestal you stand on and what gave you the power to stand there.

Maybe you have a sense of power that came from your family or maybe because you believe that a book or a verse or a piece of legislation has in fact given that power/growth to stand so tall where you do. I just want to know why? Why are you against something so much? Why do you get so angry about something that I don’t understand? We are all here to learn from one another country to country, language barriers and all, we are here to learn. We are here to process emotions and evolve our life span by the encounters around us. We are here to be with one another for some reason in space and time and I just want to know who you are.

I don’t always agree with what you say and you may never agree with what I have to say, we may not actually come into a place of compromise but can we not just sit down and try? If perhaps my point of view could halt yours; even for a mere moment; wouldn’t that be great? If you could prove to me your point and even if I dont agree with it I choose to accept it, wouldn’t that be nice?

“But you can not agree with them on any measure what so ever” has been a line I have heard over a dozen times. I just don’t understand it though. I really don’t understand why we can’t talk to someone who is against what we believe, what harm does it do to me if they are not actually attacking me? If they are not being emotionally or physically abusive then why can’t I listen to where they are coming from? I will question them if I have questions and I will ask, don’t you worry, but what harm does it do just to listen?
If it won’t change me and all it does is anger me, then I have the right to walk away from that. If what they say seems absurd I can simply quit listening and go into a nice compartment I made in my brain and hang out there until its my turn to walk away or rebuttal.  To put up a wall of “wrong” before you break down the wall of what they feel is right is pointless. Nothing gets accomplished that way.

I do not like our politics or our divide in this nation right now because we all think we have some special place just for ourselves. We don’t believe there is a place for every one. We don’t believe that listening and compromise is possible because we are told to not compromise at all. I know there is a lot of vindictive pieces of shit out there right now and there are people who feel empowered that shouldn’t be but they are. I can’t stop them myself and we have yet to stop them by just telling them NO and to SHUT UP and to consistently tell someone what they believe doesn’t matter. Every time there is a celebration of anything someone comes a long and says YOU CANT BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS BECAUSE OF THIS REASON….. but I can be happy.   How if we can find a path to walk on together right? Like I’m not saying we lose or they lose whoever we and they are, but maybe we need to find a path that we can walk down together first and find out where the road actually does divide. Sometimes paths don’t even divide.. have you walked in the woods? You can be split off by some trees and leaves but you can both end up on the same plot of land even after you went a different way. There are ways of finding each other even if its not the same way…. does that even make sense?

I don’t know who to believe or to fight for outside of what I know in my human soul is right. I know what I want for humanity and the list is very long and its not going to get accomplished this year and it may not get accomplished in my lifetime. I think opening the dialect of conversation though is the most important way for my list to be met. I might have to give up a few extra dollars or maybe I have to let something get passed in the government that I don’t like to make sure that the greater good is met. This isn’t some kind of ….. giving in… its… sometimes just receiving a different life.

Of course I want equality and I want people to come to our country and of course I don’t want any more debts or wars or unnecessary spending. Of course I don’t like big pharma and I really don’t like a majority of people who the country has elected, but with the hand that I am given I would like to see what I can change. I think if we all understood that we can change by not standing on one side or the other of the aisle, but instead standing inside the aisle together we can each push a few things out to the sides and find a way to come to an agreement.  We are virtually shutting people out of medical help, financial assistance, and a guaranteed free life just because someone said ‘DO NOT COMPROMISE FOR ANY REASON’.

Compromise made all of us–marriages, relationships, friendships, even work ethic has all been made possible by compromise. You don’t always get what you want but if you give a little something and they give a little something both of you can find something to live with.

It seems like every time a question is even asked as to why someone feels some way they do they go into some insane frothing at the mouth rant about how someone is a fucking snowflake piece of shit blah blah blah….
dude… it was a question just trying to see where you are coming from thats all…. just putting some cards out on table and wondering why you chose the one you did.

I think if we all just learned to respect those who give us respect, if we give someone a slight chance at opportunity to feel existed we could go a long way. Give people a chance; except those true to racist bigot mother fuckers; and understand we are all changing and trying to learn to change.


This blog was written in response to conversations via social media. Simple questions became crass responses when they were in all actuality just a question. Both crass responses apologized for being crass assuming that I was somehow attacking what they had to say.
I realized.. people initiate anger and being misunderstood before they initiate kindness and love. It bothered me that two people would assume I am some kind of asshole mostly because they know who I am. I have done the same on social media.. taken content out of context and I am working on changing that and I hope you will too.

A new . . .

Welcome 2018, so far you have started off with a weather banger and for some of us A new year A new us. However sometimes we don’t always need to be new people we just need new habits. Perhaps we need the habit of drinking water instead of coffee, picking up a celery stick instead of a cigarette, perhaps its a habit of smiling at strangers instead of pushing them away. There is always A chance to turn our habits around, however it seems more socially acceptable if we postpone it until we can resolut it with fireworks and a ball drop.
With the welcoming of this new year I was able to come to a sudden revelation instead of a resolution and I thought I would share that.


The other night I had the pleasure of sitting at a local coffee shop too late into the evening with a friend of mine catching up. We caught up. We talked, we chatted, we laughed and I am sure I had tears in my eyes on several occassions. 2017 felt like a wreck of a life that I can say I am glad is behind me at this moment. I have not fought so hard to be strong as I fought in 2017. A lot of change happened and with change came a lot of growth. Within the conversation with my friend we talked about life, love, relationships, parenthood, and the state of our nation. We spoke how our nation comes down to  us locally. In those long moments together I felt that we had covered an entire song of life and yet it also felt like strings were still left unstrung. The delight is knowing that those strings will be strung as time moves us along.  Better yet, the delight was that I was able to vocalize feelings to someone that was not my intimate partner whom had heard my troubles over the year. Within my vocals I was able to put power behind feelings that I had said before but this time it hit– I moved forward.

It seems like a simple statement ‘MOVE FORWARD’ but its not nearly easily done as it is said. Realizing you had moved forward when you still thought you were being held back; astonishing. I finally realized that I had in fact said goodbye to a pain in my heart. I finally put down my pain and anger of the loss that had been haunting me. Two years ago on the 28th of this month I lost a long time friend and his death has been lingering. I have always been  . . . . emotional. . . about death. Perhaps it is my own fear of death that works with that emotion but losing a life; no matter how deep or well known to me; hits me differently than it hits others–or so it seems. Death is an absolute, the one thing we can gurantee will happen, but when is the question that most of us fight every day. For those who are left after one has taken their last breath it then simply becomes the question of when do you ‘move forward’? Some where it happened– some time of crying of feeling anger of feeling sad of feeling …. feelings… i moved forward and finally recognized my path was now changed because I could somewhere inside of myself actually say GOODBYE. Within a simple coffee cup and playing catch-up with a friend… I recognzied my 2017 was actually concluded in ways I never knew.  I neverr wanted to let him go, but in time I know that I didn’t have a choice and in fact I didn’t make the choice instead life made the choice for me.
To all the loved ones we lost in 2017–may your life be reimbursed through us.


In this moment I ask if you are peaked about the loss of a life–someone significant to who I am as a person– please go through and take the time this year to read through his significant works of words that he was able to leave us through the eternal life of the internet HERE 


Now I continue on and find ways to  the momentum and recognize how lucky I am within my own privlage to be alive, to have children alive, to have what I do around me alive. For 2018 I want this to be the year of movement not only within myself but hopefully within you and within the nation(s) we live in. I wish us all a fantastic year of living and I wish that doors that can be closed are and those that are needing opened are opened with hearts, eyes, and opportunity.

Cheers my friends