Tag: life

How LONG DO I STARE AT THE SCREEN!?

I have 6 .. thats right SIX drafts right now… just sitting there. UGH. I didn’t know writing would be so hard. Over a dozen years ago I could write any one a hand written letter… seven pages long without even thinking of it. I would have this journal with me.. well multiple journals with me… and I would write and sketch and write and sketch and write like it was the last words I would ever say. I use to have a Live Journal and a My Space that I would cling to …. omg I think I even have a Dead Journal out there in the universe. I don’t remember any of the names… or the names but the emails they were married to no longer exist. I can’t wait to figure that out one day. I will laugh so hard when I see whatever it was that I was going through that I THOUGHT I couldn’t. Late teenage/early adult angst…. the best right????haha.
Angst is a funny thing that sticks to you like glue.  The definition of angst is “a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general.”  When you grow up with angst you don’t seem to quite get over it like you get over other things. You can get over jealousy and you can even get over love; most of the time it isn’t true love. You can get over being angry or being sad, but to get over angst is to get over an entire mental process. When you surround yourself with angst at a young age it becomes a mindset, it becomes your entire view into your adult life. Perhaps you really do suffer from anxiety so you have it going in to your adult life, you dread going to school and therefore you learn to dread going to work. You are upset over the human conditioning in the world and that again leads to your general disposition of your adult life leading into the rest of your life. Think about it. ….
A generation of kids growing up with Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, The Smashing Pumpkins, Bush, Marilyn Manson, KORN, Rage Against The Machine, etc. becoming parents. Think about it, really, think about it.


So in all of my drafts that I kind of see as a waste of momentum that I had only for a few moments, I am really trying to sit down with my thoughts. Nathaniel Ratliff is on in the background and it will be followed by Ben Howard. Yesterday we had a great listening session of Thelonious Monk and Miles Davis, and earlier today I was listening to … you guessed it.. Today by The Smashing Pumpkins. My 8.75 year old; hes close to being 9 and reminds me how close he is; loves that song. I was listening to Pink Floyd earlier this week and I also jammed out to Outkast. My musical taste is all complete feeling. I never listen to anything that doesnt move me. Sometimes I love to dance, I mean just love to dance around my house completely unaware of anyone that lives with me and sing my heart out while I shimmy around. Other times I want to sit with some deep heartfelt music that just touches my soul, and perhaps I need to call my parents so if I throw on some Carol King or Jethro Tull it will make our conversations a little more meaningful. Every once in a while I want to just throw my husband through a loop and I will throw on some Stevie Wonder and LifeHouse and anything that I can slow dance with him to in our kitchen.. ya know….. just because I want intimacy without sex.  I love holding someone close to me and a spontaneous commitment of body touching for 4-10 mintes. MEN listen up… your woman; or man or whomever you are with; wants you to pull her close and do something a little silly, a little intimate, and something that will make her grin when she remembers it. Ya’ll have no idea what grabbing a woman by her waist to her favorite song and dancing with her will do, something that is so underrated in a sexualized generation. I feel like men have lost their intimacy while women have gained theirs. This isn’t because of our born sex, or because of any political naming, this is just my opinion.  Maybe you could get laid more if you empowered your partner you know? Men see empowerment as their strength when it comes to sex but you know that a woman leads in the bedroom? I mean sure you could pump and dump one right in, but in all honesty, it is her that can make sex into love making. And of course if you are two men, two women, two … human beings of whatever you claim your nature to be.. this applies to you as well. Remember that the better your partner feels about themselves the more open they can be with what they want and I think that we have lost that in a generation that is full of angst.  We are filled with too much inside of ourselves from our past to really explore what is the truth of our nature. I know this blog has gone a bit 180 but its how my mind works.


My last note is to remind you of something:
Life is really short and a lot of people have a lot of shit going on. So keep thinking of yourself. We are often told about how tougher it is to be someone else so it musst be a sham how we feel… but its not. how you feel is how you feel and i am really starting to get pissed every time I HAVE to play some pissing contest of WHO HAS IT WORSE? Its not a competition. ALSO FUUUUUUUCK LET ME SAY THIS…

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change  <—fuck you keep trying to change it all the fucking time

The courage to change the things I can<—-YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD you need the courage to CHANGE EVERY SINGLE THING YOU WANT AND IVE GOT YOUR BACK

and the wisdom to know the difference<—-YOU ARE THE BEAST TO CHANGE ALL THE THINGS IN THE WORLD. EVERY VOICE MATTERS. YOU DON’T NEED WISDOM, WISDOM COMES FROM AGE AND YOU JUST GO WITH YOUR GUT AND MAKE A DAMN DIFFERENCE EVERY WHERE YOU GO!

 

Much love.

Miles

 

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A new . . .

Welcome 2018, so far you have started off with a weather banger and for some of us A new year A new us. However sometimes we don’t always need to be new people we just need new habits. Perhaps we need the habit of drinking water instead of coffee, picking up a celery stick instead of a cigarette, perhaps its a habit of smiling at strangers instead of pushing them away. There is always A chance to turn our habits around, however it seems more socially acceptable if we postpone it until we can resolut it with fireworks and a ball drop.
With the welcoming of this new year I was able to come to a sudden revelation instead of a resolution and I thought I would share that.


The other night I had the pleasure of sitting at a local coffee shop too late into the evening with a friend of mine catching up. We caught up. We talked, we chatted, we laughed and I am sure I had tears in my eyes on several occassions. 2017 felt like a wreck of a life that I can say I am glad is behind me at this moment. I have not fought so hard to be strong as I fought in 2017. A lot of change happened and with change came a lot of growth. Within the conversation with my friend we talked about life, love, relationships, parenthood, and the state of our nation. We spoke how our nation comes down to  us locally. In those long moments together I felt that we had covered an entire song of life and yet it also felt like strings were still left unstrung. The delight is knowing that those strings will be strung as time moves us along.  Better yet, the delight was that I was able to vocalize feelings to someone that was not my intimate partner whom had heard my troubles over the year. Within my vocals I was able to put power behind feelings that I had said before but this time it hit– I moved forward.

It seems like a simple statement ‘MOVE FORWARD’ but its not nearly easily done as it is said. Realizing you had moved forward when you still thought you were being held back; astonishing. I finally realized that I had in fact said goodbye to a pain in my heart. I finally put down my pain and anger of the loss that had been haunting me. Two years ago on the 28th of this month I lost a long time friend and his death has been lingering. I have always been  . . . . emotional. . . about death. Perhaps it is my own fear of death that works with that emotion but losing a life; no matter how deep or well known to me; hits me differently than it hits others–or so it seems. Death is an absolute, the one thing we can gurantee will happen, but when is the question that most of us fight every day. For those who are left after one has taken their last breath it then simply becomes the question of when do you ‘move forward’? Some where it happened– some time of crying of feeling anger of feeling sad of feeling …. feelings… i moved forward and finally recognized my path was now changed because I could somewhere inside of myself actually say GOODBYE. Within a simple coffee cup and playing catch-up with a friend… I recognzied my 2017 was actually concluded in ways I never knew.  I neverr wanted to let him go, but in time I know that I didn’t have a choice and in fact I didn’t make the choice instead life made the choice for me.
To all the loved ones we lost in 2017–may your life be reimbursed through us.


In this moment I ask if you are peaked about the loss of a life–someone significant to who I am as a person– please go through and take the time this year to read through his significant works of words that he was able to leave us through the eternal life of the internet HERE 


Now I continue on and find ways to  the momentum and recognize how lucky I am within my own privlage to be alive, to have children alive, to have what I do around me alive. For 2018 I want this to be the year of movement not only within myself but hopefully within you and within the nation(s) we live in. I wish us all a fantastic year of living and I wish that doors that can be closed are and those that are needing opened are opened with hearts, eyes, and opportunity.

Cheers my friends

 

Resolutions and Good Tidings

As we prepare to enter another new year and say goodbye to 2017 I often find myself around this time pondering the year behind me and the year stretched out in front of me as some sort of golden, “this year is going to be better” mindset. As though a year is a long time when in actuality it’s a very short period of time. Time, in itself stretches and wanes across our universe, when an hour feels like a minute and a minute like an hour, we often bang the drum of time, lamenting that it waits for no man, that’s there never enough of it and that it heals all wounds… as we spend our time mourning the loss of time.

This year we started the Miles and Crawford Variety Hour. This month is our 6 month anniversary and we honestly can’t believe it’s been that long. Time sure does fly, doesn’t it? =) (hahaha) We are currently on episode 17. We’ve had some ups and downs, trying to get a regular schedule or episodes has proved to be difficult when time (ha, get my theme yet?) has gotten short for either of us. But, even when we release episodes with large gaps of time in between them we still think about and work on our podcast outside of the actual recording. Research, themes and long essays sit on our shared drive waiting to be explored. The biggest hurdle so far for us has been promotion, networking and of course, scheduling. We live in 2 separate towns and have gone to recording across the internet instead of trying to meet weekly for recording sessions. Our audio quality has suffered some over the course of our experiment and seems to have finally worked itself with the lovely gift of a fancy microphone from Miles to Crawford. (Thank you again Mrs. Miles)

What are we thinking about going into the new year? Well, we have big ideas but acting on them is the hardest part (as it is for everyone.) We would love to bring you more content in between recordings in the form of blogs, essays, comics, storyboards, and other little things to connect with you as often as we can. This new year we are exploring new topics and shorter episodes, and other platforms that allow us to do small recordings or check in’s with our audience.

What are some topics or areas of conversation we’ve neglected that you’d like to hear us ramble on about? Or, what have we touched on but not fully explored that you’d like to hear us talk about in depth? We love to rant, give us some ideas that will inflame our leftist sensibilities and ignite our imagined revolution!

We here at Miles and Crawford appreciate the small listenership we have now and look forward to growing it as the new year engulfs us and then leaves us behind. I look forward to reading this blog again in a year and hope that we are still in production with us going on episode 70, celebrating a larger audience and new content streams. As the year comes to a close we can’t thank you enough for your support and continued listening. It takes a lot of work to put a podcast together and to keep at it, and when you have people that like what you’re doing and come back every week to listen again it really drives you to keep going and try to improve on it week after week.

Thanks again for listening, reading and supporting us. This year is all about growth and hope you’ll stick around for the ride.

See you in the new year with new episodes!

Tea Time

What a world we are living in these days; maybe it’s more like what a nation we are living in. The uprise we are seeing from the people of this country is beautiful and sad. I am hoping to really dive into the tax bill today but I just don’t think I have it in me, at least not THIS entry.
Today I read a beautiful blog by my friend who lost her father the other day to a cancerous brain tumor. I felt after the read that I was able to walk in her shoes for a moment, and understand a little more of how and what happened. It is one of those weird things when people move and become separate human beings, you kind of forget how their lives must be like. I have always adored my friend Mandy, her determination and spirit in life. She is one of those girls who you can go to a bar in your pajamas and just have the most delightful time ever. One of those spirits you are lucky to come across, and even though a decade span in our age, I am certainly changed from knowing her for a handful of years. She is the animal of delight and laughter and so to read the hardship she had faced is beyond wrenching. However, her hope and her words and her strength show a family whose determination we should all remember. So please take a moment and read her latest entry HERE. If anything her father deserves your eyes to read through his last story through her words.
After reading this entry it made me appreciate a life well lived a little more than ususal. It made me realize that the fight ahead of myself and others is far from over. We are in fact a progress of life that never ceases until our entire body gives in to its circumstances, and until then we all must fight for the right to breathe. Conqueredd by television, societal demands, work ethics; or lack of ; and a political shitstorm we often lose our way about what it means to be alive. I mean sure you can tell me to go for a good hike up a hilltop but it is the middle of Decemeber in Ohio and I do not have the necessary funds to equip myself for such a battle. You can tell me I could travel to be alive,but again, I have work, bills, children, and a life here that I must find livlihood in. I think that people tell you what it means to be ‘REALLY ALIVE’ are people who have privlage in ways that most will never have and therefore feel that their way of living isn’t real. REAL is what you live and you have no other choice but to face it as best as you can.
Holidays are around the corner and although you couldn’t afford 2k in gifts for all, you can give yourself the treat of breathing. Look around you and appreciate a little more of what you have even if you don’t have much. If you have the ability to read this blog you have the internet, if you have a roof over your head you have the gift of shelter, if you have food in the fridge you have the gift of being full. There are gifts all around us that we don’t see because they aren’t materialistic enough but they are enough to live, to appreciate, and to surround ourselves with good things. So pour yourself a hot cuppa and enjoy this moment because at any given moment it really could just change with one thing.
Blessed be all of us.

Episode 15: The Age of Aquarius, A Conscious Universe, Astronomy vs Astrology and Coffee!

Miles & Crawford are back this week to take a walk on the weirder side of things. Are we in the Age of Aquarius? We talk about Astronomy vs. Astrology, Pseudo-Science, Planet effects, touch on physics just a bit and then get distracted and meander into random topics before bringing it all full circle just as we do every week!

Episode 13: Cursed Cast! Coffee, Pervywood, Gun Control, Voting, & Positive things!

Miles & Crawford are back this week with lucky number 13! This week we share some of the positive things going on in the world, Reminding people to vote this coming week, (VOTE!) gun control, hunting, and some random chit chat that veers into wondering just what the hee-haw is going on in Pervywood. Join us as we meander our way through another hour of what makes up the Variety Hour!

 

 

Overcoming

It seems like every time I turn around there is something to be outraged about. I am always unsure of how to begin my epic rants on the bull fucking shit that is going on in the world today.

How do WE address the bullshit tax code 45 is putting out or the way that Pence was the gd sign off of us no longer allowed to sue the monsters of banks and pay day loans?

How do WE even begin to talk about the paraysis of a nation due to political mayhem and the forthcoming of women who are speaking out against their abusers?

ICE agents holding on to a 10 year old cerbral palsy victim for a gal bladder surgery?

HOW THE HELL IS CORY FELDMEN? IS HE ALIVE STILL? MAN IM WORRIED.

It is so much to take in every day and so I thought maybe you need a relief too? I want to tell you something that I experienced yesterday that I thought was absolutely beautiful. Several things actually… so here is my story…

My friend S and I were on marco polo the other day and she was telling me some stories and I had to stop because she kept reminding me of great memories that I HAD TO TELL at that moment. You know those moments when you want someone to stop talking so you can spew out a memory so you wont forget it? It is one of the things I do like about the app, i can pause hers, go into my own and then go back. I remembered how my grandmother was moving and called in the middle of the night because she couldnt make pudding. We took all of her tools and packed them as she was moving in hours and  it was the funniest memory I have of her before she passed way. I never had a good relationship with her so it was so delightful to laugh hysterically with a friend of a moment that I was really annoyed with at the time but absolutely love later. I LOVE good memories, ones that slip behind all your daily struggles and suddenly reappear to make you feel that life is well lived. Those are the best arent they?
Going on with my day I had decided that it was time to go to a meeting as an ally of the LGBTQ community locally. I wanted to attend their meetings but had never stopped my daily life to make it a point to go, and the other day was it. I wanted to see how they operate, how people locally are affected or what they have to bring to the table.  It was a good night to attend. There were several teenagers there who were going through their transition from women to men, a man going through transition as a woman, and new joiners who moved here recently from Puerto Rico. There was a good group of just Allys there and not just those who are LGBTQ. It was one of the most accepting places I have visited. When we went around to introduce ourselves a few people were too scared to talk or nervous and they said ‘Thats fine you talk when you feel like you can’ and they moved on and there was not that….. awkwardness in the air. I sat there sincerely stunned at some of the stories unfolding and some of the amazing mothers who sat there so proud and so supportive of their transitioning child(ren). For the first time in a really long time my faith in humanity was restored in front of my eyes.  It made me realize that with all the chaos and pain there is hope.
That is all for my story for now, as it is TRICK OR TREAT night tonight and I must get the kiddos ready to participate. If you can though please go to soemthing locally, even just to sit as a bystandard. Listen to stories of other people and I hope maybe you too will find that there is amazing things happening all around you that you just do not see.